Digging into my thoughts and feelings about this "nakedness" reminded me of a few memories re-emphasizing the importance of being naked.
I recall a moment when I exposed my deepest struggle with Danelle near the beginning of our dating. And, I remember her harsh reaction. And, I remember my reaction to her reaction. I couldn't believe a Christian woman would act like that. So harsh and telling me that I need to figure out how to resolve my addiction or we're pretty much over. I tried to resolve it, but didn't know how and attempted on my own since I felt humiliated and alone after telling someone who I thought would understand. In my attempt to recovery, I ended up failing and later hiding even more. Years later, my addiction would surface again in a random discussion with her. This time, we were married. She was pissed, depressed, and hopeless. I didn't mean for me to have this addiction. So, after understanding the power of counseling, I went and got some counseling for my addiction. I got professional counseling, joined a recovery group and shared my addiction with trusted guy friends (some of who also related to my struggles). I was a porn addict.
During my recovery of porn addiction I learned that we needed a lot of marriage counseling. I was blinded by my own lusts that I had missed out on loving my wife in many ways. Topping the list of blindness, I was not following R-Way. We had agreed that we would follow the Spirit of God and be sensitive to Scripture, but here I was studying Scripture and still "acting out". Sure, I prayed for healing and removal of this sinful nature, but I wasn't running from it. I wasn't fighting hard enough against it. I gave myself many excuses. These excuses and the appearance of studying Scripture kept me in the image of a nice reputation. I'm pretty good at keeping secrets and no one knew I had this addiction. Not even my wife. She only found out because I hate lying and answered her honestly when she had stumbled upon a question regarding the statistics on husbands cheating. However, this helped me realized that by not being open with her about my addiction that I was indeed keeping secrets and essentially lying. I was a liar.
As we fought through marriage counseling, the lack of studying my wife (who she was, who she is, and who she's becoming) had taken its toll on our marriage. We weren't understanding each other. We weren't communicating nor being open with each other. I also realized that her reactions and responses pretty much are initiated by my actions and words. It's amazing how influential a husband is over his wife. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why it's so important for a woman to marry a man who can lead her. It's also amazing how much I wasn't being responsible in serving my wife. Another important reason why a woman must find a man who will protect her. I wasn't protecting her heart, first of all. My wife didn't trust me. This was very difficult for me to hear and understand as I reasoned that we must trust each other since we sleep with each other. I was a fool.
Overall, I was selfish.
My hope is that you will no longer be ashamed nor feel the need to hide, but know that you only have one person to answer and He is our Father who loves you.
No comments:
Post a Comment